I haven't posted in over a month now, but this post has been brewing as a “draft” for a long time. Feel free to comment if you so desire.
In December 2007 I graduated from Trinity Bible College with a B.A. in Biblical Studies and Ministerial Studies with a Pre-Seminary concentration. I subsequently went on to be credentialed in the Assemblies of God as a Licensed Minister. This means that I not only professed to be a Christian, but I professed wholehearted belief in what the Assemblies of God proclaims to be Fundamental Truths of Christianity.
I pursued this endeavor for for a number of reasons, but what started me off on this path was what I believed to be a “call of God” to preach the gospel. In my pursuit of this goal I believed that I had ”heard“ God speak to me—not vocally, but in a spiritual or mystical way in which I thought I grasped the meaning of what God wanted to convey to me. Over and over again, this happened. I vehemently believed in the truth of the Scriptures and in my call to preach the gospel.
After being at Bible College for a few years, I had narrowed the call I was following a bit and instead of pursuing pastoring a church, I thought my skills were more suited to being a professor, and I also felt that God had confirmed that refinement. So being a diligent student and a motivated intellectual, I studied the Scriptures and the accompanying theological concepts in depth, constantly debating theological issues with friends and storing up this knowledge in my head in order that I might be able to preach the gospel later via teaching at a Bible College.
Taking the three year almost-kill-myself-with-stress track at college, I obtained a large about of data concerning theology and the Scriptures. Among the skills I learned though, I must say the most important and useful is that of thorough critical reasoning. Writing lengthy papers on old texts from a philosophical and theological viewpoint requires a certain amount of analysis.
After I graduated and while I still worked at the school, I decided to take a seminar class on atheism. It was here that I learned my critical reasoning skills learned in theology classes can be applied to many areas of life and all areas of philosophy. It was here in this class that I started to take seriously the idea that my reasons for believing in Christ were dependent upon assumptions, the beliefs of others, or the interpretation of experiences which have other explanations which might be just as reasonable (if not more so).
Today, approximately two years later, I have yet to resolve my uncertainty and have further burrowed into the unknown. I have however come to a few conclusions.
The existence of God cannot be proven via reason and logic alone. There are a plethora of books written solely on the topic of proving or disproving the existence of God; I believe they all suffer from the assumption that the existence of God can be proven. Christian theology says belief is fundamental, that we should rely on faith.
If I am capable of grasping God objectively, I do not believe, but precisely because I cannot do this I must believe.
- Søren Kierkegaard, (Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments, 1846)
Kierkegaard express this clearly—Christianity is faith driven, not intellect driven. But of course, if God cannot be proven to exist, he cannot be proven to not exist.
Yet under this presupposition, Atheism as a belief then is incoherent since it's foundation is that God does not exist. I would accept as coherent an Atheism which is grounded on faith that God does not exist, but I have not encountered such a belief system.
The ultimate question of whether Christianity is coherent and true does in fact matter and should not be ignored. This question of religious beliefs indeed affects issues of morality and the answer influences actions, and even the most subtle like what kind of facial expression to make when someone talks about Christ. Note that this does not logically conclude any sort of religion, for agnosticism may still be a viable option.
So then what have I concluded—what do I believe? I don't know. I cannot say with certainty that I believe in Christianity, but I cannot say with certainty that I do not. I guess I'll have to write a part 2 once I make up my mind, but that might not be for a while.